Here I am again, writing after two months have passed since my last post, and still not sure what to do with it. Let it just be the blog of my California years? Let it be "my place" to write apart from our family blog and just not worry about the frequency of posting?
The thing is, my life is consumed with motherhood of my two beautiful boys, and nearly everything I think to write is about them! But last week, my husband and I went on vacation for five days alone. We left the boys with both grandmothers while we relaxed in Clearwater, Florida. One day, as I lay beneath the shade of an umbrella on the beach, I began thinking about all kinds of things I'd like to blog about (all of which escape me now) on The Starshine Report. Just having a little space from the constancy of motherhood, and suddenly my creative juices were flowing!
I hope this doesn't make me sound like a mommy-martyr. Not where I want to go with this at all. But can I just take a moment to say, "Wow! Motherhood is HARD!" I don't know if I've ever felt so hardworking, lazy, satisfied, guilty, fulfilled, lonely--and all at the same time! It's the hardest thing to describe, but it's true.
All in the course of one day, I can feel:
~Hardworking: Feeding two little mouths three times a day, changing diapers of two, doing their laundry, etc. It's not news to anyone that moms have the hardest job on earth.
~Lazy: Even though, I'm working like a buzzing bee, I long for "me" time, and I manage to reward myself with it--usually when the boys are napping, but sometimes they don't nap at the same time, and Mama still wants to check e-mail or Facebook or watch Glee. So sometimes I do that while the boys are awake, but I feel like that makes me a lazy Mom, because shouldn't I be engaging with and playing with my children while they're awake? I can't help it though. I have myself to take care of, too, and I don't ignore myself.
~Satisfied: Nothing has ever made me feel so proud as my two beautiful boys. I show their photo to anyone who will look at it. Each milestone they reach makes me glow! Holding my baby is heaven. And kissing their cheeks is pure joy.
~Guilty: Wow! I had no idea so much mommy guilt was in store for me. When it comes to feeding, napping, disciplining, WHATEVER it is...they don't come with an instruction guide, so I'm constantly second-guessing myself and hoping that I'm doing right by my child, and I know I don't always get it right, so I feel guilty about that.
~Fulfilled: Motherhood is very fulfilling. Looking back over the past eight months and seeing how my kids are thriving and growing gives me an immense sense of fulfillment.
~Lonely: Being a stay at home mom can be isolating, and I feel a little lonely. We've been in our new community for just over two years now, and even though I've met some great women who are now friends, they are moms, too, and it's so easy to get wrapped up in our own worlds. And in truth, the more I stay at home the more I want to stay at home. It's kind of a downward spiral that results in isolation. I find that I have to sort of force myself to get out and go do things. (Just writing that sounds so pathetic, I know.) I'm always happy when I do, but it's an effort.
I'm actually typing this post at a Panera Bread Restaurant that has WiFi. When Brian came home from work, I left him with the boys to have some quality time together, and here I am, alone with God, my thoughts and my computer. I'm really glad I got out! My mind feels clearer, and LOOK! I've just completed the first blog post for The Starshine Report in two months--YEA! I'm thinking that these little dates with myself might need to happen a little more often!