Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"M" is for Misunderstood

I am feeling so out of sorts. I'm just feeling very dorky and weird and generally misunderstood--a lot like I felt from grades 6-9. Fitting in has never come very easily for me. While I think people find me likable, I'm not sure that many find me particularly cool. I've never really been part of the "in" crowd, and generally I've been okay with that. Uniqueness trumps popularity any day! It's just so hard, though, when I don't feel like I fit well in my own culture.

I've never really thought of myself as an old soul, but sometimes I feel as if I was born into an age that I'm not as well suited for as another time. Maybe it's just that my own drum beat doesn't resonate in general with the drum beat of most Americans or of most people in my age group. I don't know. All I know is that today I tried to take a bold step in a group context and I feel like I've fallen flat.

I'm remembering my year in Spain and how easily I meshed with the culture there. Sure, there were challenges...big ones. But in just one year, I made some of the closest friends I have. Friends who love me and think I'm the coolest girl ever. Friends who see my heart and love it. Friendships here in the States have been harder for me to come by.

It's been a long time since I've felt such acute pain over my not-fitting-in-ness. But today I feel it and it really hurts. I know it will get better, but today, I just feel melancholically odd.

(written on 4/14/08)


Jennifer Disney said...

Oh my sweet friend! You are WAY cool! But I totally identify with what you're saying. I feel that way a lot too. Maybe it's just the artist in you. Let's not fit in together! :)

Starshine said...

Thanks, Jen! Sounds like a plan! xo :)

wordnerd said...

Sorry it was a rough day T...days like today suck. I understand it all too well. I hope you feel better soon...and I would also like to "not fit in together" with you and Jenn, if you'll have me!

love and hugs!

Starshine said...

You are definitely welcome to not fit in with us, WN! Thanks for your encouragement!

Brad & Carrie said...

So sorry about your day. I'll pray for you as I turn in tonite. I think most people feel similar, they just fake it most of the time. Could it also be that you'd really love to go see your sister and her new baby, so that's bringing big frustrations your way? Sorry for the dr. phil moment, but just a thought. We Americans like to stay busy and avoid real community most of the time. And overseas, the rat race just doesn't exist as strongly. I think you're great!!!!

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Hey Tracy, I'm so sorry you had a crummy day. I agree with those who say that I think most people feel that way. I know I feel like a huge dork most of the time. ;)

I also was wondering if you're blue about not seeing the baby yet. But don't worry, you'll hold him soon.

And remember, those who are totally 'cool' work very hard at it, and it's a lot of effort that could be better spent being who they are.

Beenzzz said...

I know how you feel. I feel like I don't fit in ALL the time. It used to bother me, but now I like it because itmeans that I am truly unique. You are NOT a dork, by the way! Embrace your uniqueness and walk tall Starshine. :)

Ally said...

I agree with what J said about the wasted effort it takes to be cool and with what beenzzz said about being unique. Smart women. Of course, that's coming from me, a person who hasn't fit in since the day I was born.

Sharon said...

What I love about Starshine:
She is unabashedly herself.
She is unwaveringly optimistic.
She truly always wants to believe the best about people.
She laughs (really laughs WITH you) and cries (REALLY cries with you).
She has an unconditional love for her family.
She is VERY brave.
She cares more about the feelings than the facts about people.
She loves the Lord and it shows through her actions and her words.

Starshine said...

Wow! What wonderful messages to wake up to!

Carrie - I like your thoughts about most of us feeling that way, and that we fake it a lot. I'm sure that I've been in the faker category before, too. I am open to your Dr. Phil moment. :) Your observation about US culture is right on. Thank you for your love.

J - Yea. I agree--maybe most of us do feel that way. I can't wait to see the little baby, but I'll be there in just a week!

Beanzzz - Yea for uniqueness and walking tall!

Ally - Maybe we're kindred spirits!

Sharon - Wow...thank you so much for those kind and encouraging words. The awesome thing about my blog is that the next time I'm having a bad day, I can find this list of affirmations just waiting there for me to read again! I love you, friend!

Autumn's Mom said...

I like you just the way you are and THAT makes us cool. I think we all have days like these. God made you just the way you are and you fit right in with HIM. That's all that matters. Chin up, you'll be feeling right as rain in no time.

Love ya xoxoxo

Catherine said...

Well, I love you TONS and think that you're SUPER cool!! I hope you are having a better day today, my friend. Miss you LOADS and look forward to your visit soon!!

C said...

Hi, Tracy!
I totally understand where you're coming from :)

Though I don't know you in real life, from what I do know of you from your blog, you seem like a VERY cool person ;) Coolness is a relative term anyway. What's cool to some people may not be cool to others.

Just the fact that you are such a bright, shiny, all around wonderful person makes you cool in my books ;)


P.S. I have a contest on my blog. Maybe a prize will cheer you up? ;)

Starshine said...

AM - You're right. Fitting in with Him is what matters most.

Catherine - I can't wait to see you, too!

C - Thanks for your sweet words! Did you say a PRIZE?!!! On my way to your blog right now!

allison said...

Also remeber, T, you're in a city that is FAR from the "norm" of what it means to be cool. I think that makes you just that much COOLER that you haven't disappeared into the streotypical LA Actress. And much more interesting! Plus, all the "cool kids" end up in rehab;)You're awesome and unique and wacky, and THAT, my friend, is why we ALL love ya!

Bridget & Josh Lee said...

You may be dorky and weird and misunderstood but that's what makes you Tracy! I LOVE your quirks. I LOVE your passion. I LOVE your gusto!!

I learned alot about myself in NYC and much of that has to do with my dorky, weird, misunderstood self. :)

Starshine said...

Dear Allison and Bridget,

Thanks, girls! It's nice to be loved for my quirks. Of course, you are both actresses, so when we get together, we're birds of a quirky feather! I love you both, too! xo

mrs. blogoway said...

Wow, I wish I could know the details of who made you feel like this... they must not like quality, intelligence or beauty because that's all I've seen out of you on your site.

Keep on smiling. We all feel disconnected from time to time.

Jen Bates said...

Tracy -

You are so much cooler than you think! You are so wonderfully unique. You inspire sweetness and honesty from those around you. You are genuine and full of God's love. I've always thought this of you. I miss you and wish we could have spent more time together while you still lived here.

God has blessed you!

josey said...

ohmygoodness! i think you're in my head! LOL. i have been feeling this way quite a bit in the last few years, since hubby and i moved to WI. i just havent "fit in" anywhere here and i dont have any friends other than acquaintances. and i am a very outgoing and nice person (*I* think! lol)!

but i've felt a lot like you--oYYyyy that horrible awkward jr high feeling! it sometimes makes me want to just hide away and feel sorry for my different-silly-dorky self, ya know? it frustrates me because i feel like others arent looking for friends to make a commitment to--only people who join their cliques on an as-need basis, if you know what i mean. even sometimes with the blogosphere i feel that way, too--like i'm just a huge goofball that still cant even fit in there!

*sigh* ah, life. i hope you're feeling better today, starSHINE :):) i appreciate your honesty about your feelings about being misunderstood. and i second all these sincere compliments from your commenters! they are all so right!

i'm praying for God to send down "big daddy" hugs for you to cheer you up :) you are a doll--dont forget it!

alexis said...

i TOTALLY understand where you're coming from.

i just want you to know that i always thought you were super cool. and i still do.


Starshine said...

Mrs. Blogoway - It actually wasn't anything that anyone did to me, but more an issue of insecurity and approval that I was dealing with inside myself because I didn't get the affirmation I was hoping for in a group situation. I love your willingness to defend me, though! And I so appreciate ALL of the wonderful affirmations that I have received today!

Jen - Wow. I'm humbled. Thank you.

Josey - Thanks for your support and prayers. I love Big Daddy hugs! I'm sorry you haven't found people willing to commit to a friendship with you in WI. You are such a sweet person. I will pray that God brings you some new friends there who will be open to a deeper friendship like you are.

Alexis - You were always so cool in your uniqueness. I so admired you for being yourself. Not many girls at BU could pull of combat boots with a baby doll dress. But YOU could! I love you! xo

Lexi said...

Sorry I'm just now catching up on your blog, it's been a hectic week. I just wanted you to know that when we were in college together I thought you were the cool one and I was the dork tagging along. So weird how our perceptions of ourselves can be so different from the perceptions of others. Lets continue to be our own unique selves cause that's how God made us and know that we will always be there for each other, k? Miss ya, love ya, lets chat again soon.