Friday, February 17, 2006

Catch me, Daddy!

Nothing cuts quite to the quick of my soul and holds a mirror up to the essence of "me" more than having to wait for something that I really want. A telephone call. An e-mail. A glance. Anything that will affirm or reassure me that everything (especially where my important relationships are concerned) is going to be okay. Patience really is a virtue, and one that I'm afraid I'm lacking severely.

After two days of silence following a date that was off the charts awesome, my eInterest called me last night to let me know that he's heard from his ex-girlfriend. She wants to try again. He's decided to give her a second chance.

You'd think that my sadness/madness would have started then, but the truth is, his news felt like relief in comparison to the emotional rollercoaster I had chosen to ride starting the morning after our date, when I felt sure I'd get an e-mail from him and I didn't. No e-mail that morning turned into no phone call that night and no e-mail the next morning. I'm sure all you healthy people are thinking, "It's only two days. Stop freaking out. No big deal." Well, God didn't create me with that kind of balance. He did create me with a keen sense of intuition that knew something was wrong pretty much the moment he left my door after our date. And the inner-madness that ensued while waiting to hear from him is embarrassing to admit.

What is most disconcerting about looking into this mirror being held up to my soul is that I can see how much I base my self-worth on the approval and affirmation of others. Ouch. Eewwww. Icky. Why is this my hardest life lesson to learn? Why do I insist on a continuing education in the school of hard knocks?

Remember standing on a counter top you had no business being up on when you were a little girl and yelling, "Catch me, Daddy!"? You'd jump and land safely in your Dad's arms, never doubting for even a moment that he wouldn't be ready for your leap of faith and put you safely back on the ground where you belong. Last night, I hung up the phone and raised my hands to God and cried out to Him, "Catch me, Daddy!". He did. I had a great sleep and am back on the solid ground of His peace, right where I belong.

Thank You, Lord, for never tiring of reminding me that I am good enough for You just the way that I am. And if I am good enough for You, I am definitely good enough for me, and certainly good enough for a stinky ole' boy. I love YOU! Thanks for being the One in my life I can say that to today and everyday.

4 comments:

Lincee said...

Tracy,

I admire you more than you will ever know. Your grace is evident in your honest words. That is why you are loved by so many people in this world.

Congratulations on the blog. Here's looking forward to a spectacular 2006.

Your Mom said...

Dear Tracy,

May God bless you as you trust in Him. You already know these things: He is the ONLY ONE whose love never ends, who will never leave us or forsake us, who will never disappoint. But don't we all love those human hugs and affirmations?

You radiate inner peace and beauty, Star Shine! I love you.
Your Mom

Jilly said...

Tracy!

You are beautiful...inside and out! I'm proud of you and how you let your creative side flourish. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. I love you sissy.

Jilly

ad said...

Tonight amid packing and preps for my drive south I decided to entertain myself with some real, quality reading: your blog. After all, we all find comfort in someone we can identify with, and I identify with you so much, my precious friend. And I admire your heart and honesty and courage. Thanks for the encouragement you are!