Last Sunday afternoon, I went to one of my acting classes, as is my usual routine. It's been a class I've benefitted from greatly, so I've continued going and continued growing.
However, last Sunday's class took a miserable turn south. Halfway through class, the teacher was talking, and I was deep in thought, not
paying attention, and had a big yawn. My teacher noticed, as I was right in front of her, and I immediately knew I had offended her. I apologized sincerely. She asked me if she was keeping me up. I apologized again. Then she proceeded to scold me in front of my classmates for the next 3-5 minutes, accusing me of pushing her buttons. I was so humiliated, tears started to roll down my cheeks. Finally, seeing that she had made me cry, she said, "You know, sometimes the best lessons are learned when we've been hurt. Maybe this is one of those times." She then went on to continue teaching the class. My mind was reeling, and it was hard for me to pay attention at all. All that I could focus on was my bruised soul that had just taken a beating. She stopped the class again to call me out and asked if I was "going to be able to remain present". I said I would try, but that it was difficult because I was hurt.
I made it through class, and when it was over, the teacher asked me if I wanted to stay and talk or if I would prefer to talk on the phone later in the week. I said that I would be willing to stay and talk (hoping that we could work through this). I followed her into her office and thinking that I could make amends. However, she was still seeing red and proceeded to berate me all over again. This time, she imitated my yawn (so I could get a visual, and know the depths of my insult to her) and twice imitated me staring into space (with my eyes crossed, no less!). I kept listening, hoping that the tidal wave of anger would end and I could speak. But when I opened my mouth to speak, she snapped, "What?". I paused and said, "I don't think anything I say right now will help." She agreed and told me that she needed to calm down before her next class and said we could talk later in the week.
She called me the next day and left a voice message. She said that she was sorry that class wasn't a real "positive experience for you". However, she hoped that her stern words would help me to avoid such a situation in the future. (In other words, she hopes that I learned never to yawn in the presence of anyone on a set, especially the director. She told me that if I were to do that I would get thrown off the set.) She said that her heart was no longer pumping and she was ready to let me have my turn to speak.
The thing is, what would I say? I had already offered my apologies, which she said she wasn't interested in. And frankly, I felt that I was actually the one deserving of an apology. I decided not to call her back. My soul felt too raw and rattled from our last conversation, and I didn't want to be on the receiving end of that kind of verbal/emotional abuse again. eSuitor told me that the best gift I could give her was to not go back to her class again. Perhaps that would communicate that it is not okay to treat another human being that way. I agreed.
I didn't go back to class on Sunday. My teacher called me again tonight. She left me a voicemail wondering if my absence means that I am not coming back to class. She asked me to call her. Something in me (the part that wants to protect myself from further nastiness) doesn't want to return her call. I decided to send her an e-mail instead, saying that I am still processing what happened in class, and that I will contact her if I decide to come back. I tried to make it diplomatic while still being honest about the fact that her actions are impacting me and influencing my decision of whether to return to class.
I feel 10% like a wuss for not picking up the phone and talking to her in person. But I feel 90% wise for protecting my spirit, which deserves no more of her biting words or nastiness. If I were dealing with a normal human being who wanted to work things out, I would call. However, I don't know who I'm dealing with. I only know that she is not a safe person for me to expose myself to, so I am listening to the voice inside that is telling me to steer clear.
eSuitor and I took an eight week preparation-for-marriage course at his church called Love for a Lifetime. One of the recommended reading books that came with our tuition was one called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. I just finished reading it, and despite the slightly depressing title and one paragraph that rubbed me the wrong way, I would have to give the book two big thumbs up.
